So tonight I am lonely.  And this really sucks.  It sucks because as I look through my phone I realize there isn't really one person who I can call on to just talk.  The only people that I would even consider calling have really busy lives and I would hate to bother them with my "single life drama."

This week started on a high.  It was a good week at work, I turned 28 and I honestly felt like I was entering a new phase in my life.  But entering a new phases requires reflection on those things that went right and those things that didn't go as planned.  I did the job reflection thing last year and that led me to a better job that has taught me a lot about the working world and the need to be tough.  I thought about my family and realized I was actually blessed in that department and, other than not seeing them enough, I didn't need to change a thing.  I did a happiness reflection and have made substantive steps to ensure my personal happiness.  I did a health reflection and have redoubled my efforts in that department.

Over the last year I have been really been thinking about this concept of friends and friendship.  The reason why this one needs the most discussion is that I honestly feel that I have a friend deficit.  There are those people who are close to me and I wouldn't willingly give up.  These are people who have helped me through some trying times and others who just put a smile on my face.  In this group are people who I consider my family.  These are people who know the real me.  But in this group are also those who were extremely close to me and now the bond just isn't there.  For some reason that feeling of closeness and togetherness is gone and what is left is empty air.

I looked up friendship in wikipedia and this is what I found:

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism."

Now if I took this definition of friendship as the standard in which I should judge all of my "friendships" then I am in big trouble.  Now there are those who I have a connection with because of politics, or TV, or poetry, other connections but the last part of that is the sticking point with a lot of my "friends." Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism.  WOW! If I take a real pill and have an honest assessment I don't think there are many people I know that generally show that they enjoy my company.  Maybe they enjoyed the company of the old me but I don't think I can say that about the me that I am right now.

I have few people that are my blood relatives that call just to say hi.  I have few people that are not my mother that calls just to see how I was  or am doing.  I have few people who call just because.  I actually have few people that call at all.

So there are those who I consider my friends who may not be able to say the same about me.  In that case, the relationship between us is not really a friendship but a bloated association that will always leave one party feeling unneeded and unwanted.  But that is not a one way street.  Maybe I haven't been a true friend to some.  Maybe I took some for granted and I will have to learn the hard way how not to do that.

Actually I know that the rollercoaster of my life changed some of my friendships.  It amazing how they stepped up when I was in the worst possible place in my life.  And when things got better I can only imagine that they were so tired by the trip that they needed space....and i needed them.  And when I wanted things to go back to normal it was too late - they had moved on.  Now I don't think any of it was intentional; life and time move no matter how hard you try to stop it.

So I guess its time for me to take some time and have a really thorough look at those I have and will consider my friends.  Maybe some of those relationships are no longer needed by the other party, or maybe I have outgrown some of them.  Sadly some will end immediately, some will die with time, and others will flourish. 

I have never been good at goodbyes.  I hate how permanent it can be.  But to some goodbye is a fitting end to a wonderful time.

Tonight I'm lonely. Tomorrow I may be even lonelier and I will learn how to be ok with that.