I was sitting here playing Mafia Wars (go to my myspace page to join my mafia) and I was surfing the net and came across the new leaked Whitney Houston song.  The song, "Like I Never Left" featuring Akon is hot.  The key for a good song or a soothing ballad is for the singer or songstress to be able to make you go beyond listening to the song but make you feel this song.  And this song is hugging my soul and won't let go.

But this song made me think more about my pending trip home. It has been awhile since I have been home and I'm a little nervous about the trip home.  People change and I'm wondering how much have they changed.  Things changed and I wonder how my memory of home has changed compared to the reality of what it is today.  Well, I'll write more about this later.

For now I want to sit back and let this song take a hold of me.  It feels so freaking good and I am more than thrilled that Whitney is back!

Here, take a feel.......

My favorite Janet Jackson CD is "Damita Jo."  Now, because of the whole "nipplegate" thing happened this wonderful CD dropped.  The first song on the disk is "Looking For Love."  Here is the song to put you in the mood for this journey:

I was listening to the song recently and I started to think about what I was looking for in love.  I think most of the time we just fall into love and loving.  Its funny how we never do that with our professional relationship but are so willing to give our hearts to chance.  You don't want to lose the movie magic portion of falling in love.  For me, that is starting to seem pretty foolish.

Now I'm not knocking those who happen to see their special someone across the street and in a month they are vacationing in the Hamptons or buying a new house in ATL.  I just don't think that is how its going to be for me.  Now I wish it was, but it just seems improvable.

So, where does that leave me.  Not sure yet but this is where I'm starting.  Here is my top five things I'm looking for in love:

1) Be open to romance and romancing.  Now I'm not asking for roses for V-Day or something but be willing to do something unexpectedly nice and be open to receiving those same declarations of love.  I am open to sticking a "I Love You" note in your bag before you go to work.  Maybe you can call in the middle of the day just to "I was thinking about you."  I will run home and make a dinner for you on no day in particular.  You can spend an evening holding me in your arms just because you want me near you.

2) Be ambitious. Now I don't want anyone to confuse ambition with financial success.  Being happy with your place in life is very different from being content with your place in life.  You can be happy with being a mechanic but are working toward owning your own shop one day.  You can be happy working at Barnes and Noble (and you know how I love books) but one day hope to open your own bookstore that specializes in African American authors.  Have a dream and working toward that dream is so sexy!

3) Be open with me sexually.  Now that is a reason that I separated romancing for sex because they are very different things.  I want you to be able to tell me your sexual fantasies and desires, and if they won't kill us or get me put in jail, then we can work on fulfilling them.  I want to be able to be open to you so that the sexual chemistry between us is constantly flowing.

4) Let's teach each other. I am so intrigued by smart men.  Now that has nothing to do with how many degrees you have under your belt.  I am always attracted to men I feel like I can learn from.  Teach me what you know and I will do the same.

5) Be willing to laugh harder than you have ever laughed, smile more than you have ever smiled, and be respected for who you are and not what other think you are.  That is the key to a healthy relationship with me.

So now its your turn.  What is your list in the things you are looking for in love.  Please post your list...I am waiting to hear from you.

This week started on a high.  It was a good week at work, I turned 28 and I honestly felt like I was entering a new phase in my life.  But entering a new phases requires reflection on those things that went right and those things that didn't go as planned.  I did the job reflection thing last year and that led me to a better job that has taught me a lot about the working world and the need to be tough.  I thought about my family and realized I was actually blessed in that department and, other than not seeing them enough, I didn't need to change a thing.  I did a happiness reflection and have made substantive steps to ensure my personal happiness.  I did a health reflection and have redoubled my efforts in that department.

Over the last year I have been really been thinking about this concept of friends and friendship.  The reason why this one needs the most discussion is that I honestly feel that I have a friend deficit.  There are those people who are close to me and I wouldn't willingly give up.  These are people who have helped me through some trying times and others who just put a smile on my face.  In this group are people who I consider my family.  These are people who know the real me.  But in this group are also those who were extremely close to me and now the bond just isn't there.  For some reason that feeling of closeness and togetherness is gone and what is left is empty air.

I looked up friendship in wikipedia and this is what I found:

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism."

Now if I took this definition of friendship as the standard in which I should judge all of my "friendships" then I am in big trouble.  Now there are those who I have a connection with because of politics, or TV, or poetry, other connections but the last part of that is the sticking point with a lot of my "friends." Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism.  WOW! If I take a real pill and have an honest assessment I don't think there are many people I know that generally show that they enjoy my company.  Maybe they enjoyed the company of the old me but I don't think I can say that about the me that I am right now.

I have few people that are my blood relatives that call just to say hi.  I have few people that are not my mother that calls just to see how I was  or am doing.  I have few people who call just because.  I actually have few people that call at all.

So there are those who I consider my friends who may not be able to say the same about me.  In that case, the relationship between us is not really a friendship but a bloated association that will always leave one party feeling unneeded and unwanted.  But that is not a one way street.  Maybe I haven't been a true friend to some.  Maybe I took some for granted and I will have to learn the hard way how not to do that.

Actually I know that the rollercoaster of my life changed some of my friendships.  It amazing how they stepped up when I was in the worst possible place in my life.  And when things got better I can only imagine that they were so tired by the trip that they needed space....and i needed them.  And when I wanted things to go back to normal it was too late - they had moved on.  Now I don't think any of it was intentional; life and time move no matter how hard you try to stop it.

So I guess its time for me to take some time and have a really thorough look at those I have and will consider my friends.  Maybe some of those relationships are no longer needed by the other party, or maybe I have outgrown some of them.  Sadly some will end immediately, some will die with time, and others will flourish. 

I have never been good at goodbyes.  I hate how permanent it can be.  But to some goodbye is a fitting end to a wonderful time.

Tonight I'm lonely. Tomorrow I may be even lonelier and I will learn how to be ok with that.

In the email she said:

"I really enjoyed reading what you had to say it was very interesting but true. and the part about your father my son feels the same way about his father, because he has never been there for him now that he's 11 and he wants his father in his life he still chooses to think that my son doesn't exist to him he only thinks about the family he has. But like I told my son I am your father too because I'm here 24/7 no matter what. I give you all the love and the things that you need and want."

Now I know it is so tacky that if someone takes the time to send you an email that you take forever to respond but for some reason the words that I felt that needed to be said just didn't come to me. But for some reason on the day that Senator Barack Obama has captured the Democratic nomination for President of the United States, the words......or better yet the emotions begged to be let free.

The relationship between me and my father is really a testament to the relationship between me and my mother.  Now that might suprised some but its true that she ran the show by letting me run the show.  Every since the relationship between my mother and father ended she allowed me to make the decision on how much or little contact I wanted to have with my father.  She never bad mouthed him in front of me but was always open to listen and discuss any questions, problems, or frustrations I found with him or our relationship.  She allowed me to run the emotions of hate to love my father and even though most people wouldn't believe it, she never pushed me to do either. 

The reason that she was an integral part of this is not because she told me that she would take the role of mother and father but she did become my mother and father during the important transition from boy to man.  Did she get frustrated at times? Yep! Did she get it all right? Nope.  But the thing she did was never give up that she could raise a productive, positive, thoughtful, and honest member of society.  That road from boy to man was definently not easy for me.  At times I so wanted my father to be a part of my life even though at times it didn't seem like was ready for fatherhood or the role of raising a manchild.  Then I slowly began to sour on our relationship.  I still had excellent contact between my paternal relatives but I started to resent anytime my father stepped in and out of my life.  It got so bad that I didn't want him to come to my high school graduation and I didn't invite him to my graduation from Howard University.  The calls and contact between us became fewer and fewer and I learned to live without him.

It still is hard for me to say that I learned to live without him.  I think its still hard to stay because no matter how mad I got at him, how distant I became, no matter how I glossed over our bond - I still wanted him to be my dad.

But I had my mom.  Its funny how when I lived under her house how I really didn't appreciate her dedication to her children and their futures.  That is what I can say about all the women in my family.  I grew up in a real maternalistic family where the women were strong and did it all.  They really made a dollar out of 15 cents.  My grandmothers and my aunts are remarkable women who did the best that they could with the hand they were dealt.  And it is in the stories of these women that I learned about fatherhood and manhood.

I learned from them that you can do extraordinary things no matter the situation you are in.  I learned from them that life is made up of many little blessings that moves us toward our dreams.  I learned from them that you can laugh until your stomach hurts and that will lighten a room.  I learned from them that a simple hug is the greatest medicine for a bruised soul.  And the greatest lesson I learned from them is you most hope for the best and give it your all to reach your dreams.  I am who I am because of those lessons and these strong women.

So I guess the thing that I learned from another strong woman who took the time to write me an email is that the lessons that my mother taught me are written in the DNA of women all over the world who are forced to do the heavy lifting with little resources and little help.  And the biggest lessons that they learned and spend a lifetime teaching their children is to never give up because the path you take has many followers. 

So I hope this path I have taken to happiness inspired others to realize that having a strong mom is not bad at all.  They can do the job because they have the balls to do it.

For a long time I have internalized the problems and issues of others and didn't have the proper methods to release them.  So they stuck with me.  I have the pysical and mental weight to prove that.  So the first the thing the old me was that in order to grow your spiritual, mental, and physical garden you can not fertilize it with the negativity that others are so willing to give you to rid themselves of it.  In order to do it right you must use your hopes, dreams, happiness, and all the love you can muster to make a fertilizer that will leave me full of the needed determination to keep going on.  Is that easy to do?  HELL TO THE NAW! If it was I wouldn't have needed to learn it and anyone could do it.  It takes time but I have finally understood the need to make that investment in myself.

That led me to my new them for the year (thanks to Diddy) - NO BITCHASSNESS!  It is up to me to be successful.  I have to stop procrastinating, not giving it my all, and just being an ass and then expecting everything to be OK.  I have to make the investment in myself and only then with that investment lead to a real profitable lifestyle.  And when I'm talking about profit, this has nothing to do with money or finances.  This has all to do with quality of life.  If I work all the damn time and don't take a break or a real vacation then my money is not working for me - I'm working for my  money.  If I don't let my creative juices flow and just spend some time being artistic then I'm not spending the proper time using the gift that God gave me.  If I don't smile until my cheeks hurt, laugh until my stomach hurts, be so overjoyed that I feel high on the moment then I am not relashing the human experience. 

This led me to my next thing - besides living in the moment, enjoying this moment for what it is and not what I wanted it to be.  We would all love for every moment to be perfect - more fairy tale than drama.  The truth is that life is not that simplistic and so much more complex than any of us can imagine.  We fall in love - then fall out of love.  We are happy at the sunrise - and sad at the sunset.  We should enjoy being in each of those moments.  Now it is easier to enjoy the happier moments and can seem impossible to enjoy the sad ones.  But the truth is that the more troubling moments make easier moments much more easier than if we didn't have those difficult moments.  The moments were we are beaten are valuable to making our triumphs that much more triumphant.  We have to take the weaving of both of those experiences as a time to enjoy the ability to just be here and make our mark on these common journey with others all over the world.  We help write the autobiograhpy of man.  And that in itself is a blessing. 

So tonight when I look in the mirror I will hug myself for no reason at all.  I will love my big thighs and butt.  I will be happy for my love handles (well not totally happy but we can come to an understanding LOL).  I will be taking myself on dates to celebrate just being me.  I will be thankful for these almost 28 years of experiences that have taken me to this moment in time.  And as I stand in this moments I will continue to learn from and love me.  This is the promise I am making to myself.

I feel sad and hopeful for our democracy.  It is great that a woman can be so passionate about a candidate.  It is sad that she would not be open to reason and understand the beauty of our democracy, and not just the beauty of how she wants this democracy to run.  I will have to write more about this later.

This memorial day is a tribute to all of them.  And for that we all should say THANKS!

Recently I have been feeling like this. At one point my life was pretty comfortable. Then all of a sudden things changed and I didn't know how to keep it together. So, I closed off from everyone to retreat into my shell of despair and focus on the things that were making me unhappy. Then one day I stepped back into reality and realized that things were different and the people that brought me comfort were no longer there. And I mourned for my loss.

The one that tends to hurt the most was probably the guy that I had know since middle school. He knew me during the days that I wanted to forget (but he has the tape to make me remember). During my darkest days I closed off to him and before I knew it I didn't know where to find him. If I am being honest with myself I did this on purpose. He videotaped life, in all of its truth, and I didn’t want him to capture this. I didn’t want anyone to see me reach my lowest point, especially him. So I hid so that if this moment past I would never have to relive it.

Then there was the girl who allowed me to be comfortable with me that was pushed away unceremoniously.

Or the lady that helped me get my first job…….

Or the woman that told me that my peace will come…….

Or the family that I don't get to see enough and when I do I can barely recognize them.

Some of the separations may turn out to be necessary but that doesn't mean that they still don't hurt.

To all of them I say I miss you and I am so sorry that things turned out the way they did.

Now back to my regularly scheduled blog....LOL

So, where should I start? Life has been real interesting for me right now and its been hard for me to describe it. The closest I have gotten is to say that life for me right now has been like groundhogs day on a day when an earthquake happens. When you wake up everything seems fine and then all of a sudden the ground starts moving under you. You loose track of time and are not really sure how long it last but you are definitely shaken up when it happens.

The ground is moving under me. I got a new job. Now most people that really know me would think that my move from my last job was a good thing. Well you would be wrong. On paper this job looks a lot better than my previous job - new setting, cool people, and a lot to learn about the world. But the happy feelings end with that. Even though I thought I was making the right career choice I honestly think I allowed myself to be fooled into what I wanted this job to be rather than what it really is. I wanted this job to feed my intellectual curiosity but instead it feeds into my need to want to take naps in the middle of the day. I wanted this job to be a stepping stone to career advancement when it really is nothing but a stepping stone to a mediocre existence. So my never-ending search for career fulfillment continues. So instead of praying for just a new job I will pray for a new job, with a comfortable financial package, great benefits, a laid back staff, with intellectually rewarding responsibilities.

And as this earthquake continues I have come to realize something else – most people are never prepared for the happiness or pain that life brings. Now you may be scratching your heading wondering why I would say that most people are never prepared for the happiness that may come in there lives. Don't we all just want to be happy? Aren't we all looking for that fairy tale wedding? Don't all of us want the success that we work so hard to get? In theory all of that is true but most people are sometimes knocked when good things come there way.

Imagine if you have been having a real shitty day. You woke up late, forgot lunch, missed a deadline, and ran out of gas on the hottest day of the year-and all of this happens before noon. If someone comes up to you, really concerned about your wellbeing, and asked "Are you OK?" some will say "I'm fine." In reality you are not. You are pissed and you want to tell him to mind his fucking business. Hopefully you will just say “I’m fine.” In this case, no one could prepare for a morning like that-except maybe the gas thing. But after that most people would not be open to a kind word or an act of compassion.

I have started to feel like that everyday. I have allowed myself to be burdened by the things around me. Now I won’t make a hug pronouncement saying that from this day forward I won’t allow that to happen to me. But that is the point that hope and faith pops in. Hope is something hard to grasp and even harder to keep. It’s like trying to keep water in a bowl while running on a treadmill-it’s possible but not easy to do. I still believe that things will get better. Sometimes I wonder how I still have that belief. To be honest, I really don’t know. But I believe that this earthquake will stop. Until that day, I guess I will have to ride it out.